(One hundred and) 57 Channels and Nothin’ On…

Way back in 1992, Bruce Springsteen released two albums simultaneously… his weakest one of them all ‘Human Touch’ and the actually-not-so-bad ‘Lucky Town’ (considering the other music in 1992 sucked).

The third track on Human Touch is 57 Channels (And Nothin’ On). Back when I was 15 and growing up in Coonoor, the concept of 57 channels did not exist on TV. There was Doordarshan (which ominously cut off cricket matches at the 50-50 moments – or in our case switched from Hindi to Tamil when you were just getting used to the national language). So I grew up very disconnected from the TV… it never really bothered me what I watched or what I missed – unless it was the soccer world cup (once in four years), the Grammys or the Academy Awards (both annual events).

So, the song really didn’t mean much to me… but an amazing bass-line. I really liked the other songs. They had a certain rockability to it, and a sense of maturity I was looking for in music at that time (getting out of New Kids on the Block). Today I know that it was the weakest of Bruce’s albums, and honestly – it’s the only album I don’t own on CD – needless to say, I haven’t listened to it in years. I remember the review of Human Touch in Newsweek… the guy wrote something like this: Are we expected to believe that our working class hero has now made his trunk full of 100 dollar bills and just sits around watchin’ TV?

Oct 2007: I am jobless, and am a full time home-boy. I have a monster of an LCD TV and got a satellite dish in the balcony. There are a lot of channels. Way more than what I used to subscribe to back in Singapore (its really cheap in India – Rs. 300 for a whole bunch of channels. Bloody steal). But the problem is, I don’t watch anything more than 2 minutes.

Its disgusting. Not a single channel has anything worth watching. Imagine a news channel where half-hour bulletins conclude 4-5 minutes before the end of the hour… the same half hour also has 12 minutes of advertising. Like a bloody soap on Star Plus. I am referring to the utterly disgusting CNN-IBN. What can you expect from a channel where the main anchor is a convicted felon (violating the modesty of a female) in another country. The panelists on the channels are lousy and are not even given the time to opine on the topic. Why? Because they have to rush for a commercial break. No wonder Network 18 is making all this money – when you lose focus of quality and integrity, then any news channel can have that kind of advertising. And what about the Dard-e-disco contest?? On a news channel?? Come on? How desperate can one get for viewership? I remember telling Sukesh once that channels like BBC and CNN are not losing their viewers to the local News channels. It’s the bloody general entertainment folk who are losing their viewers. The most annoying person is Sagarika Ghosh. Go home and write a mystery novel, bitch. NDTV 24X7 is way better.

Now for general entertainment. Obviously, I’ll ignore the soaps. Then there are the contest based shows that survive on sms polling. I watch Jhalak Dikhla Ja because a friend of mine is a participant. And for Mr. Negi. Haven’t figured out the timings of the Star World stuff – so still lost there.

The movie channels suck. To a point that Zee Studio seems light years better than both Star Movies and HBO. Sony Pix is embarrassing… to say the least.

Sports: This is where I really have a problem. First of all soccer. The Champion’s League is telecast on Ten Sports and its new sister Zee Sports. The latter is not available on my package on Tata Sky – so I am to believe that I may not be able to watch a few games that I want to. Agreeable to me – the opening round of the League has the Mighty guns playing against the lesser known European teams – am willing to ignore these games for some sleep. But what I don’t get is this: On match day, they show Liverpool vs some fucking unknown team called Besiktas (Maybe Zee Sports was showing the AC Milan Game, or the Chelsea Game, or the Real Madrid game… or the more important Valencia game…). The next day, the same match was aired thrice. Today, I’m sure, the same Liverpool game will be aired again. How about cutting a decent highlights-package and airing that… so those who missed the other games get a chance to watch atleast the goals and misses and red cards and dramatics. Sickening.

Their Sportsnight is a cheap rip-off of ESPN’s Sportscentre – minus the panache, exuberance and quality. This is what happens when you get a stark-raving CRICKET-buff to host a SPORTS show. The play-of-the-day equivalent sucks!! And dude, do something to the outfit. Everything does not have to match the sets/ background.

Neo Sports does not even qualify as a Sports channel – it’s a cricket channel with a crap panel. I am sick and tired of hearing the phrase ‘corridor of uncertainty’. Mr. Siva and Rameez Raja, I’ll tell you what ‘corridor of uncertainty’ means – anywhere within 2 ft of Arun Nair is the corridor of uncertainty. Because if I ever meet both of you, a taste of my fist is what your jaw is likely to get. Anyway, what do you expect from a channel that has Chisseh in operations… I mean really!!

Thank Goodness that the Barclay’s Pemier League is on ESPN-STAR. Cricket Crazy is not bad. MTV (Cyrus S) meets Channel V(Gaurav) in ESPN… its funny and a good move by the programming team.

Music channels: the only one worth watching is VH1. But then again – how many times can one watch Chamillionaire?

Discovery T&L is by far the best watch. Followed by CNN.

But if you really ask me, it 157 Channels (and bullshit on).

I bought a bourgeois house in the Hollywood hills
With a truckload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

Well now home entertainment was my baby's wish
So I hopped into town for a satellite dish
I tied it to the top of my Japanese car
I came home and I pointed it out into the stars
A message came back from the great beyond
There's fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

Well we might'a made some friends with some billionaires
We might'a got all nice and friendly
If we'd made it upstairs
All I got was a note that said "Bye-bye John
Our love is fifty-seven channels and nothin' on"

So I bought a .44 magnum it was solid steel cast
And in the blessed name of Elvis well I just let it blast
'Til my TV lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbin' the almighty peace
Judge said "What you got in your defense son?"
"Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on"
I can see by your eyes friend you're just about gone
Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on...
Fifty-seven channels and nothin'